Tough Stuff .. .

I finally feel like I'm getting back on the track to my old self again.  The past few months have been really hard for me.  Kids have a hard time if you change too many things all at once .. well guess what?  SO do adults ... especially postpartum me.  Craig graduated from Thunderbird.  He didn't get the job that we thought he was going to.  I had prepared myself mentally for moving to Boston.  They lead us on and didn't let him know until after Graduation.  Panic set in.  We had a new baby and no job.  I forgot how much time new babies take.  I felt like I had no 'me' time.  I was lucky if I got a shower in.  Brooke had a hard time adjusting to the baby and started acting crazy and Jace had an extremely hard December.  He's been having a lot of behavioral problems at home and school.  It was hard watching so many of our Thunderbird friends move on while we were still here and since Craig had graduated I didn't have the support of the International Women and Family Club anymore either. Our Honda broke down and we didn't have enough money to get it fixed so we were down to one car.  Financial stresses wreaked havoc on our home and we were stuck at home all the time because we didn't want to take brand new Ty out and about and even if we had wanted to ... we couldn't have afforded to do anything anyways.  All these things combined with postpartum hormonal craziness caused many melt downs.  I felt anxious and out of control.  I felt sad ... a lot .. and then I felt guilty for feeling sad.  There were times when I actually thought - if one more bad thing happens - I just can't handle it.  I think I had postpartum depression.  I've never been depressed before.  It's a horrible feeling.  After reading up on it a bit I found that it is much more likely to happen when the baby is born at a stressful time - bingo. Then I would think of my family and how much I love them and how much they need me.  I have this beautiful, heaven sent baby boy that is amazing.  He's such a good baby.  I love him and my family SO much.  I'm so thankful that Craig got a job... even if it isn't the one that he expected.  It's nice that it's one he enjoys a lot.  We've been able to reconnect with some of our old friends that are still around and that has been wonderful too.  I've been able to get out a little bit more and have started exercising again as well.  All in all - I'm a happier me.

We still only have one car.  Hopefully we'll be able to get a new one soon.  Jace is still having a hard time, or better said ... giving us a hard time.  I hope he has a kid just like himself one day so we can say "you were just like that" and have him understand.  Parenting is tough stuff!  On the really hard days I fantasize about fast forwarding until they are all grown up so I can see that they turn out successful and happy.  I just want my kids to be happy and know that they are loved ... no matter how many messes they make, or naughty words they send my way.